Going
off to college or university is a stressful and bewildering time for
students and parents. Here are some guidelines to keep in mind as you
try to help your teen tackle life after high school, and how to cope
with life after they leave home.
Make them responsible
Teaching
kids responsibility starts from day one of parenting, according to
family therapist Lisa Dunning. “You might want to ‘save’ your child and
give him all the right answers,” she says. “But then the child is
unprepared to make his own decisions. Have the child work out his own
problems, and think about their choices and the consequences.”
Provide
life skills so that come time for college or university, they can have
the confidence to survive on their own. Teach them to prepare meals at
home, balance a checkbook, budget allowance and do laundry.
According
to a Nuveen Investments money survey for Kid$ense (kidsenseonline.com),
when 1,000 children ages 12 to 17 were asked how much they knew about
budgets, about half the respondents said they had received no financial
education whatsoever. Kid$ense says the average student is offered at
least eight credit cards during a postsecondary career; those with
little financial savvy are ill-prepared to deal with this
responsibility.
“There’s
a tension between love and money,” says postsecondary school consultant
Lora K. Block. “But the parents’ taboo to talk about money can be a
catastrophe.”
Block
suggests being upfront with your teen about what the family can afford
and what loans might have to be incurred. “Everybody needs to be clear
about the limits,” she says. Time
management is another of those skills that come in handy. “This is the
biggest pitfall,” says Block. “Parents should help them make wise use
of their time between fun, homework and sports. Start that very young
so they get everything done they need to get done.”
Cement the bonds
Don’t
make all your conversations only about your teen’s plans for life after
high school. The topic can be a stressful one full of emotions for the
whole family. Have other things to talk about with your teen.
“Kids
need to have other interests, like sports. There should be a connection
to something other than college/univesity, and parents should
participate in this with them,” says Pat Martin, assistant vice
president of the Office of School Counselor Advocacy at The College
Board in Washington, D.C.
Your
relationship with your college- or university-bound child can be
further improved by realizing, and then relaxing, the expectations you
might have for those next steps.
“Sometimes
parents have already ‘decided’ where the kid wants to be—their alma
mater or in the town where Grandma lives. Parents might read a book or
magazine article about the best colleges and tell their child where
they should attend,” says Martin. “But kids’ objectives are different.”
Often they need to see the campus for themselves, talk to students
there and ask about the food, the classes and the dorms. Parents should open lines of communication by listening rather than by telling, adds Block.
“Pulling
back is important,” Block says. “Students need a sense of confidence in
themselves, and if you’re always doing it for them, they lose their
sense of confidence.”
Counsel,
encourage and support your child, says Frank Burtnett, president of
Education Now. Teens are more receptive to being guided in this manner
than being “steered,” he says. “While the words are close in
definition, ‘guide’ is so more child-friendly. Young adults may rebel
against (being steered).”
When
you do discuss college/university with your teen, communication is
key—but that doesn’t mean it needs to be split 50-50. “Parents should
have a small mouth and a big ear, do a lot of listening, and try to
give kids as much freedom as possible,” says Mary Mansfield,
educational advisor at Musinsky & Associates. “You really have to
let the kid take over the process.”
Adjust to an empty nest
“This
is a very traumatic step for parents,” says Dunning. “It’s actually a
grief issue. Parents have to trust that they did a good job in
preparing the child to thrive.” When you look at your spouse and ask
“now what?” it’s a good time to reconnect. Often, parents realize they
haven’t truly talked to one another in 18 years unless it was about
their children. Dunning adds, “Work on your relationship issues.
Remember, the couple came before the child.”
Ethel
Ethington, a marriage and family therapist, says this is a time to get
reacquainted. “Use a pencil and paper to work on your expectations,
dreams and goals, first on your own as individuals then for the
marriage. See where you’re similar and where you’re not, and explore
what to do about it.”
