Most students head off to college with dreams of being independent, crashing parties every night and making new friends. The last thing they think they need is for their parents to embarrass them by calling twice a day to ask, “How’s it going?” or worse, mentioning the words “drugs” and “dating” in the same sentence!
But as parents, you know how hard it is to keep tabs on kids when they’re right in front of your eyes, let alone hundreds to thousands of miles away.
How can you keep watch on your teen’s life without becoming a broken record?
1. Give them space
“Parents worry they are ‘losing’ their child during the college years, but in fact, they are in the process of observing their child become an independent adult,” says Christine Schelhas-Miller, associate dean of students at Cornell University and coauthor of Don’t Tell Me What to do, Just Send the Money: The Essential Parenting Guide to the College Years.
You need to give your child the freedom and independence he or she deserves. There are ways to keep involved in a child’s life. Calling three times a day isn’t one of them.
2. It’s not just a day’s work
You can’t be uninvolved in your child’s life one day and then expect that he report to you weekly the day he steps foot onto campus. If you didn’t keep tabs on him when he was at home, you’re going to have a tough time doing it when he’s away at college. So start getting involved the first chance you get.
“Parents can begin talking to their children when they’re younger so that it’s natural to be communicating when they go to college,” says Rebecca “Kiki” Weingarten, a career and education coach and cofounder of New York City-based Daily Life Consulting. “If they haven’t started when the student was very young, a good time to begin would be during the college application process.”
3. Do your research
Knowing that your kid is in safe hands will help you sleep much better at night. Dig up some facts of your own about the college and surrounding areas. Are there a lot of bars near the college campus? Is the college taking any action to curb drugs or alcohol abuse? Have recent graduates from the university done well in their careers and personal lives? Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions of anyone involved in the well-being of your teen.
4. Make it a date
Instead of calling whenever you feel like it (which is every minute), why not set a fixed time to talk once or twice a week? That lets your kid know that you’re respecting her privacy and time limits, and she’ll be eager to speak to you each time you call.
Michelle Rathman, whose daughter just went away to college, says that you can initiate this by saying something like, “I know you’re really busy there, and I appreciate that you’re working to feel comfortable and settled. It would mean a lot to me if we could carve out 20 to 30 minutes on the phone each Sunday night to catch up. I can’t wait to hear about your…”
5. Quit talking and listen
In her book, Conflict Unraveled: Fixing Problems at Work and in Families, Andra Medea tells the story of a Muslim dad whose daughter wanted to have her boyfriend drive up and stay in her dorm room. When the dad hit the ceiling, the daughter quickly agreed with him. Only later did Dad realize that his daughter had only agreed because it was the fastest way to quiet him. She hadn’t intended to change her plans at all.
That’s usually what happens when parents adopt the lecture mode. In order to make any kind of impact on your kids, you need to listen to what they’re saying. While you may not agree with everything they say, you need to understand that they’re mature young people and need to be given advice and direction, not a rule book.
6. Show some respect
Your “kids” aren’t really kids anymore. They’re adults and need to be treated that way. You no longer have the because-I-said-so vote of confidence that worked when your teen
was 8.
“Being a parent does not mean we have a license not to have respect for our young children,” says Rathman. “If we respect them, they’ll trust us, and if they trust us, they’ll come to us.”
She says that being a good parent is not about wasting time trying to be a watchdog, but rather teaching your children how to reach their goals.
7. Show interest in their friends
When your teen is back home for the holidays, offer to make dinner for all her friends. If you want to be really cool, organize a weekend get-together for them or a hip party (without alcohol, of course). If all her friends live in different states, make it a point to meet them anytime you visit. Show an interest in your child’s social circle not because you’re prying, but because you’re actually interested in getting to know them.
8. Don’t be nosy, be genuine
“The most important thing a parent can do is to not ask too many questions or questions that feel nosy,” says Weingarten. Asking too many questions will cause them to shut down and not talk at all.”
Talk to your teens about their classes, how the kids there are treating them, what it’s like eating in the food court or how good the professors are. “And when they do tell you about the party with the under-aged drinking, don’t scold. Ask questions, like how it made them feel to be in that sort of situation,” says Rathman.
9. Listen carefully, even when you don’t like what you heard
There are times when your teen may not be responsible or that they make a mistake. When that happens, provide support and encouragement, not punishment.
“Much of whether your child comes to you for help has to do with the expectations they feel from you,” says Dr. Lee Jampolsky, a renowned clinical psychologist, speaker and widely-published author of books such as Healing Together: How to Bring Peace into Your Life and the World. “If they feel you want them to be perfect and that you will become angry with them and judgmental, chances are they will not come forth. If you communicate to them that this is a time of learning and that even if they stumble you will be there for them, they will be more likely to come forward with their problems.”
So when you hear something you don’t like, remember that your teen was honest and trustful enough to open up to you and needs your support. Try not to preach or be angry. Instead, take a few deep breaths and acknowledge your feelings by sharing your concerns.
10. Watch your words
Take advantage of the subtle nuances of language. “For the most part, ask open-ended questions rather than specifics, and let the student take the ball from there,” says Jampolsky. Don’t ask, “What grades are you getting in a certain course?” Instead, try: “How do you like the course?”
11. Offer information
Discussing news reports and events in your home community is a great idea even before your child leaves for college. Talking about how the inability of the neighbors’ kid to land a good job due to his low grades can be a perfect opportunity to show your teenage son why grades are important. Reading out loud a news report of a fatal accident sends the message that alcohol abuse does have consequences. Look for teachable moments to impart life’s lessons to your children, and continue doing so even when they’re at college.
12. Let them make mistakes
“It’s not unwise for parents to give this space for their kids to grow,” says Dr. Gopal K. Upadhya, medical director of ACI, a Manhattan drug and alcohol treatment center. “Even if children make mistakes, they will correct it themselves. They need to be given their own space, distance and freedom without parents being too intrusive.”
