There
is probably no time in parenthood that provokes more sleepless nights,
sweaty palms and feelings of self-doubt than the period preceding the
college admissions process. Although it’s easier said than done, this
is the time to recognize that a key to successful parenting is trusting
your child to make her own decisions based on the opportunities and
good advice you have provided. Be there as an ally and as a
constructive critic, but remember that it’s your child’s show.
Offer guidance
Take
a moment to think about the role you’ll need to play. As a parent, your
primary responsibility is to be accessible, to listen, to provide
guidance, and most importantly, to apply the wisdom you’ve attained
from the years of watching your child grow into a responsible young
adult. Offer your support, but don’t push or pull, because your final
aim is to enable her to handle independence comfortably.
In
addition to being your child’s guide, you are his or her source of
support. Recognize the power of your influence and the potential of its
impact on her. It’s important that you do what you can to ensure that
the process does not compromise her self-esteem. It’s okay to have high
aspirations as long as you are sensitive to the arbitrary nature of the
process and are able to look beyond name recognition when helping your
child make appropriate college choices.
Be realistic
There
are no hard and fast guidelines regarding what schools your child will
get into. But you can arm yourself with appropriate information that
will help you assess the likeliness of your child’s admission, as well
as suitability of a particular school for his or her own individual
needs. Begin gathering as much information as possible and taking
advantage of all appropriate opportunities, from attending local
college information sessions to visiting a school that happens to be en
route to a family vacation spot.
Be a source of comfort
Your
job is to dry the tears, not cause them. If you cry out in
disappointment or frustration, your child is bound to take it
personally and feel as if he or she has done something wrong. Try to be
upbeat even if you feel differently. The last thing your child needs
now is to feel your criticism.
Instead,
try to laugh at her and your mistakes, show your love, and respect her
need for privacy. And remember that consulting with others who can
assist you, like your child’s guidance counselor and teachers, can help
you during a highly emotional time.
Many
students benefit from their parents assuming some of the tedious
organizational aspects of the college selection process, and they don’t
mind in the least their parents’ involvement. But give your child the
chance to accept your help. Ask first, “What can I do?” There is a
distinction between helping and taking over.
The
college admissions process can be rewarding if you keep things in an
adult perspective. Accept your role change that comes when your child
shifts gears from dependence to independence. Enjoy this great
opportunity to learn and grow with your child as she takes that giant
step toward adulthood. It is your child who, after all is said and
done, will have to live with the consequences of the decisions that are
about to be made. So he or she should have the primary say in what is
happening.
Excerpted with permission from A Parent’s Guide to College Admissions by Marjorie Nieuwenhuis.
