There's a lot of things people can confess. "I'm gay!" gets the most sympathy, "I'm a whore!" gets a reaction of "Yes, we know" and once I heard a girl say "I'm pregnant!" and then her mother said, "Well, I'm abortion! Oh wait no. I decided not to abort you. Now you're sixteen and pregnant. What a shame."

But, I don't tell people my confession, which is that I, you know, steal. Because then people stop trusting you. Because you're basically saying, "Hello, I'm a bad person and I might accidentally steal your car keys and hopes and dreams and that five dollar bill I know is in your wallet" How can you expect anyone to be okay with that? You can't. So, I keep quiet. No one needs to know that I'm a thief.

And they won't know, either, because you can't look at me and think KLEPTOMANIAC!
I look innocent; I really do. I have this face that for whatever reason seems to say to everyone "I am a pleasant young adult! I can't wait to get home and pet my kittens and feed the orphanage that I keep in my garage! Whee!"Once when I had mistakenly left one of the censors on a stolen t-shirt and the alarm went off a security guard came running after me. But I looked at him with this face of mine. My innocent expression said, "What is it, mister? Is something wrong? Is there a baby in trouble on the roof? I would love to float away in a bubble of love and rescue it!" He looked at me with his face, which said, "I'd arrest you but then I'd feel bad." So, in the end he knew I was stealing, but he let me walk away. Just. Like. That.

But, that was the only time I've ever been caught. Over time I became, like, invinsible. I started experimenting with different techniques. I now know that the key to shoplifting, or life in general, is to always wear underwear. They're like an invisible bag that you can just stuff the merchandise right inside. Fiddle it around a bit. No one will notice...unless someone, like, rapes you after you shoplift. That would be awkward. "Dude, what's up with the tube top, trench coat, and jewlery up your pants? You know what? I don't think I want to rape you anymore."

It all works out well for you.

It's been a year since I started and to be honest, I'm not happier now that I shoplifted so much stuff, which I guess is because you can't shoplift LOVE or HAPPINESS or ACCEPTANCE. There's things you just can't shoplift. Like cars. Or houses. Or a nose job. If I want to better myself with a new nose, what am I supposed to do? Take...your's? "Close your eyes." "Fine" And that is when I reach at their face and stuff their nose up my leggings/butt crack. "Woah, I'm missing a nose. EXCUSE ME, DOLLY! Give me my nose back."

Besides, I don't steal from people. Just big shot companies. It's not like I'm HURTING anyone. "Just myself" as any High School guidance councelor would tell me. I do feel guilty. Actually, that's all I feel, really. All the time. Yeah, I want to stop, but I also want free stuff. I can't have both. But, you're not a thief until you get caught. So, for now, I'm innocent. I'm still Dolly Parton. You know that, right? I'm Dolly. Do you know me?